Healing the Pains of Adoption

Over the past week and a half, I've really been honing in on getting Mekonen's actual lifebook started. We already have his lifebook DVD movie done and he's watched it a gazillion times. But we've been talking some specific adoption language with him about his story and simply need to get his book done in order to begin reading it to him and using it as an avenue to discuss the difficult parts of adoption. I'm only at the beginning and a few times I've sat down to keep going, it's just been too difficult emotionally for me and I've had to stop. But lo and behold, my goal is for it to be completed and in my hands by the end of summer.

There are so many "hurdles" adopted children need to jump over at various points in their life and I often panic that I'm not going to get it right, that I won't prepare him well, that I'm going to fail miserably in parenting my son to be confident in his past, his story, his adoption, himself, who he is, etc. I've done lots of reading and lots of research on transracial adoption and families and how to help adopted children navigate race, their identity in growing up with parents and siblings different from them, etc. There's much to be said about the research and the various talks I've heard from adult transracial adoptees. I would say, overall, I agree with them wholeheartedly about providing your child with positive role models that look like them, providing them with friends and social settings where there are some people that look like them, and giving them a strong "education" in their birth country and heritage, and being careful not to place them in constant settings where they are the ONLY one who looks different. We are taking all these things in consideration (to an extent) as we look to buy a house and think about schooling for our kids.

Starting Mekonen's lifebook has only heightened my panic about doing all of those above things well for my son. Then I went to church this morning and heard a great sermon by our discipleship pastor, Brian Liechty. Not only did it hit home in my own heart, but something else clicked about his message and parenting my child who was born in another country.

In the adoption world, it's all about identity. Who your child is, where they came from, who are they now, and who they will be as they process growing up with a family that does not look like them, etc. It's all about "forming their identity" and helping them become confident and strong about where they came from and who they are now. Although this is true (to an extent), as Christians we look at it from a completely different perspective, and I was reminded of this in church today.

I don't want my child's identity to be in the fact that he is Ethiopian, Ethiopian-American, or even the fact that he's a well-rounded child with feet in both worlds of Ethiopian/African Americans and White folk. As has been our prayer since both of our children joined our families, we pray that Mekonen understands and accepts Jesus' forgiveness of his sins through the cross and resurrection, and makes Jesus the Lord of his life. This dear friends, is his identity. Jon said it so well a few weeks ago when we were discussing location for buying a house, access to schools, etc., and I began to feel overwhelmed about "doing it all right." He looked at me and said, "I think the Gospel will do more for Mekonen's life and heart in that way than anything else could." Wow. I "knew" that, but yet didn't ever really think about it like that. It was actually a huge relief to hear Jon speak those words. But it's true.

The pain of adoption that all adoptees feel at various points in their life (whether adopted as infants or older children), is best healed by the Gospel. As a parent, it's hard not to fear those moments my son experiences grief over the loss he's experienced and the difficulties of his story. No one wants to anticipate those moments. We've had some of them in the early attachment phase and it was gut wrenching. But back then it was dealt with in a completely different way. My recent question and panic has been, now how do we deal with those times using words, and speaking into a little heart that is now beginning to put the world together. Before, in the attachment stage with a baby, words and explanations didn't mean anything. It was establishing the love and trust of us as Mekonen's parents and providing ways for him to build trust during those moments of grief and loss, even as a baby. He's a walking, talking, and processing 3 year old, and this part of our world changes now.

It is the life-long parenting process of pouring into Mekonen's life the fact that if Jesus is King of his heart and Lord of his life, THAT is his identity. Not his birth family, not the circumstances that brought him to be placed for adoption, not his adoptive family, not his Ethiopian heritage, and not his American upbringing. If he has accepted the forgiveness only Jesus provides, then He is a Christian and has a new identity worth far more than any other identity on this earth... that is the identity that is eternal. It's the ONLY one that matters. It is the thing I want most for my children.

Galatians 2:20 says- I have been crucified with Christ. It is not longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Once I became a Christian, I received all the benefits and blessings that Jesus has (Ephesians 1). I am forever attached to his identity, his status. As Philip Ryken said in his book on Galatians, "The reason union with Christ is such a magnificent doctrine is that once we get into Christ by faith, then everything Christ has ever done becomes something we have done. It's as if we had lived his perfect life and died his painful death. It's as if we were buried in his tomb and then raised to glorious heaven. God attaches to us the events of Christ's life so that they become part of our lives. His story- the story of the cross and empty tomb- becomes our story."

This is the greatest identity to have. In our crazy me-centered world it's easy to live looking for our identity within ourselves. That's what everything around us is telling us to do. But that's not where true and lasting joy and hope are found. With an identity in Christ, we need not base who we are and what we are worth on things that have anything to do with us. Instead, if we are Christians, we need to base our identity on Jesus.

Our pastor described 3 facets of living within our true identity. We don't base who we are and what we are worth on...

1. Our Performance- having a good or bad day determining if we are good or bad (as we define it).

2. Our Position- being a stay at home mom, working mom, homeschooler, specific job title, etc.

3. Our Past- things that have been done to us, things that have happened to us. We are not our tragedies.

And that's where it hit. I need to use the Gospel- which is the means to our identity being in Christ- as the healing agent in the pains of adoption that my son will encounter. Yes, there is still a need to do the best we can in the areas of exposing Mekonen to positive influences of people who look like him. Absolutely. But it is the Gospel that will free him. The Gospel will bring meaning to his life. The Gospel will bring identity and purpose. On the days where the questions are asked and the answers are hard to hear, I pray that as a parent, the Holy Spirit gives me the words to say to minister the Gospel to my child's heart. That this is not a one time thing... that again, and again, and again, I need to bring him back to the word of God to tell him who he really is and who his identity will be in if he trusts in Jesus. This is what I want for my son. I want him to look down at his beautiful brown skin, his Ethiopian heritage, and his American upbringing and be able to say, "My confidence, my identity is not found in anything having to do with me or my story. It's found in Jesus." That is the prayer of my heart, and that is where true healing begins.

Happy 4th of July!

This year it was so incredibly hot- over 100 degrees! We had a great time celebrating with friends at a pool party the night before and had a full day on the fourth. We went to a local parade with our friends Adam and Allie and their two boys. The whole ride there Mekonen kept saying, "When are we going to see July?" Haha.

Evie and Daddy in the blazing sun.

 Mekonen cheesin' like a big boy. 

 Apparently Evie thought she belonged in the parade. 

 Waving a sparkler and American flag as she watched the parade go by. I swear, she did have a good time. haha.

 The boys were dancing and clapping. Mekonen even put the sparkler thing in his mouth and was jammin' away. 

 After the parade we headed up to Jon's aunt and uncle's house to spend time with a bunch of the Oren family. Evie loved climbing on Uncle Greg's big front porch chairs. 

 Uncle Jeremy entertained everyone by playing the piano. Mekonen and Evie were in awe. 

 Sure would love for this little guy to learn the piano from his Uncle Jeremy. 

 Off to see Uncle Greg's tractors with Daddy and Travis.

Mekonen and Travis on Uncle Greg's tractor. They were in heaven! They had such a fun time running around together. 

We had a rather scary end to our July 4th and are praising God for his protection! We had just gotten back from looking at all the tractor's. Travis (Jon's cousin's son) was running along side the golf cart. All the adults standing at the top of hill saw what was coming next and began yelling for them to stop. But it happened too fast. Travis was running and fell down in front of the golf cart and was completely run over. He fell on his stomach and both the front and back tires ran over his entire spine and head. It was the scariest thing I have ever seen. He was rushed to the hospital by his parents and was then life flighted to the Indianapolis children's hospital. Jon met them at the hospital and was there well past midnight and said Travis was awake and smiley. He has a skull fracture, concussion, and needed stitches in his head. No surgery was needed to fix the fracture and they say it will heal on its own. He spent last night at Riley and will spend today and tonight there as well. We are praising God for His protection over Travis! Luckily, he had fallen down before he was run over. If he was hit full on and then ran over, it would've been much worse. I simply cannot believe those are the only injuries he had. Mekonen was really shook up. He was riding on the golf cart when they hit Travis. He was crying hysterically for quite some time. We finally got him settled down and to sleep once we got home. Thanks to all our friends who were praying last night!

Cultivating The Habit of Reading in Our Children

Through my 4 years of elementary school teaching, lots of conversations with parents, and straight up observation, it seems pretty evident that many children these days have lost the habit of reading. In our technology crazed culture, I can see how this happens so easily, and most of the time, without us even knowing it. It even takes me over! Yes, there are days where I want to relax and "veg out" with my favorite television show, and there are days where I choose to relax with a book. Although, truth be told that's not even as often as I want it to be!

John Senior said it like this: 

The Great Books movement of the last generation didn't so much fail as fizzle, and not because of any defect in the books- they are 'the best that has been thought and said,' in Matthew Arnold's famous phrase- but like champagne in cracked bottles, the books went flat in minds which lacked the habit of reading. 

To change the figure, the seeds grew, but the cultural soil had been depleted; the seminal ideas of Plato, Aristotle, St. Augustine and St. Thomas only properly grow in an imaginative ground saturated with fables, fairy tales, stories, rhymes, romances and adventures: the thousand books of Grimm, Anderson, Stevenson, Dickens, Scott, Dumas, and the rest.

So how do we cultivate a habit of reading in our children? A "skill" that seems to be more and more a thing of the past.

I've been reading a lot about Charlotte Mason education and plan on using many of her philosophies in my kids' early years of schooling. Charlotte Mason has a great reading philosophy and her way of cultivating a "habit of reading" involves staying away from "twaddle" and providing kids with "living books."

Charlotte Mason's early writings discourage parents from giving their kids "twaddle" when it comes to reading. Twaddle would include things such as...

• books that talk down to a child 
• books that are diluted and devalue the intelligence of a child
• "reading made easy" books
• tedious books
• silly or trivial books

Charlotte Mason is very "strict" on not allowing these kinds of silly, simple, watered-down books. I do not agree with this 100%, but like many things, take some and leave some! In my opinion there is definitely a place for the silly children's books, and rhyme-like fun books, such as Sandra Boynton books (my kids' favorite silly rhyming board books). But I do think she makes a good point. If the majority of books we read to our children are "twaddle" why on earth will they later desire to read good books? Why are those high school classics so "hard" to read? Why don't our kids like to read? Why is reading such a chore? And why as adults do we not read to learn, or instead, choose not to read at all? A Charlotte Mason writer said it quite well, "It is not difficult books that are the problem, it is that we are not developing the habit of reading in children. And not just the habit of reading, but the habit of reading 'the best that has been thought and said.' Developing this habit is not for the sake of your child to become some high achiever or high level literature student. It is for the sake of opening up a door that your child can walk through someday."

So what kinds of books does this leave? I found myself asking the same question, assuming my kids would be reading "boring" books from "way back when" using strange words like "thou, thee and hence." But that's far from the wonder of reading great books! It includes fairy tales, fables, stories, rhymes, romances and adventures. They are books like Blueberries for Sal, Caps for Sale, Peter Rabbit, Aesop's Fables, Frog and Toad, The Story of Doctor Dolittle, Little House ont the Prairie, Chronicles of Narnia, and hundreds more!

Another thing Charlotte Mason characterizes as the best reading is "Living Books." Simply Charlotte Mason writer describes them like this:

Living books are usually written by one person who has a passion for the subject and writes in conversational or narrative style. The books pull you into the subject and involve your emotions, so it's easy to remember the events and facts. Living books make the subject "come alive." They can contrasted to dry writing, like what is found in most encyclopedias or textbooks, which basically lists informational facts in summary form. You might be surprised to find that living books are available for most school subjects- even math, geography, and science!

I simply love this idea! Especially because when I was growing up we read history lessons and science lessons from textbooks. I was bored out of my mind, which is probably why I didn't remember half of the stuff after the test was over! Charlotte Mason is huge on using living books for teaching history...using books that tell the real accounts through real people and real stories. How fascinating and what fun for a child to learn like that! There are a ton of resources out there that already have all the "living books" you should read for each section of history and science you are going through.

Mekonen is only 3 years old so we obviously haven't begun "formal" homeschooling. But this summer, we are beginning Charlotte Mason's 3 year old book list. We have already read through many of these books over the last couple years, but will be getting them all out of the library again this summer and reading them through. I'm super excited! Mekonen is really into books lately and loves when we read to him. Evie also just loves her books and is usually found sitting on some little seat, just her size, flipping through her favorite books.

And I'm Back- 3 and 1

Wow. Boy have I missed blogging! I wonder if anyone out there is even reading anymore! I intend to get back into the game here! But first I need to catch myself up on what my kiddos are doing, especially since I'm using my blog as a record keeper!

We've hit the age 3 and 1 stage and my days with these babes are BUSY, BUSY, BUSY. They are on the move from the time they get up (bouncing in her crib, and yelling from his bed), to the time they crash into bed at night. It's been fun to see Evie's personality emerge. I always assumed out of two kids, one would take the hyper, active, fireball role (Mekonen), and the other would take the quieter role. But boy are we wrong. I think we have 2 fireballs on our hands. Little Miss Evie is really coming into her own these days and I am amazed at her ability to hold her own with Mekonen. These babes are ACTIVE, and our days are very full, but I already feel their baby days flying by and I'm trying to enjoy them as much as possible. Here's a little bit of what they are up to!

Mekonen

3 years
(Pic from February)

• You are asking "why" about EVERYTHING!!! :) Well, not just "why" but any and every question possible. We joke about carrying around a clicker to count how many questions you ask a day. It's gotta be in the several hundred! 
• Whenever you've said something you think is funny but no one laughed, or you didn't think we heard you (because we weren't laughing) you say in the cutest, funniest way, "Did you hear what I just said?"
• When I have wrongly yelled at you and didn't apologize you say to me, "Mommy, I'm sorry you w-elled at me." This is his way of reminding me that I raised my voice at him and forgot to apologize. Gotta love him!  
• You are really into Playmbol toys rights now...airplanes, boats, pirate ships, and any kind of truck. You also still love to line up all your little matchbox cars and any other trucks or cars you have.

• When driving in the car you looked out the window, saw a car driving next to us, and said, "Go faster Mommy!!! Race him!!!!" (Too much Lightning McQueen maybe?) 
• When you talk, all of your L's become W's. It's super cute. In the car the other day you said, "Mom, I'm wickin' my wips." (lickin' my lips). Haha. 
• You still love to sing! When music comes on in the car you get the biggest smile on your face and love joining right in. You typically hear a song only once or twice and are able to start singing it. It's crazy! You've been singing, "Everybody Rockin' in the House Tonight!"
• You just LOVE the park. I think a huge part of that is that you get to play with other kids. You are so confident and just walk right up to kids and say, "Hey, do you want to play?" You almost always remember to ask their name too. 

• We've figured out that with as outgoing as you are and with as much as you LOVE people, you really don't like big crowds. You like smaller groups of kids, like 3 or 4, but much more than that, and you become more reserved and tend to play by yourself.
• You still love being outside and love to explore. You had such a fun time when we took you and Evie on a hike. You loved jumping in the water and exploring nature. 

• You are all of a sudden sensitive to noise and cover your ears, not just for sound, but when you are scared. It's the funniest thing. 

Evangeline Rae

1 year old

• Back in March at 1 year old you weighed 19 lbs. You are my little peanut. You learned to walk just days before your 1st birthday and we haven't been able to stop you since! 
• Curiosity is the name of this baby girl! From the moment I bring you downstairs in the morning and put you down on the floor, you are on the move! You wander from room to room, completely content entertaining yourself. You love to push the small toy baskets around and fill them up with whatever is in your path. It's so incredibly cute. 
• I wonder if you will grow up to love reading because right now you love books! You will carry them around and find any little stool, chair, or seat and sit there for the longest time just flipping through books. Sometimes you add your own baby babbling.

• You love to put things into something and then dump it out. One of your favorite things to do everyday is to take out this big mason jar that we have that is full of little animals and sea creatures. You put them in one by one, and then dump out the jar, and repeat, about ten times. :) You find so much joy in these simple things. 

• You had so many ear infections that you had to get tubes in April. You weren't talking much yet and the doctor said it was because you couldn't hear clearly enough. Once you had the tubes, you started making so many noises and started to say words. You were not happy about the gown and hat before surgery, but you sure were cute!

• At 12 months you were only saying one word "shoes" which sounds like "eesh" and you say it every single time you see a pair of shoes. You just love shoes and are always trying to put them on your feet. 

• You are now saying shoes, yes, and babbling mama, but not really used specifically for me.
• You absolutely love dogs, and make a barking noise everytime you see or hear one. You get the biggest smile on your face when one is in sight. You gravitate towards the bigger dogs. Here's you and your dog Macy.

• Not only do you hold your favorite blankies to your mouth to sleep, but now it has to be the corner of the blanket. This is how you put yourself to sleep.

Phew! And that's definitely not a recap of the many missed months, but it'll have to do! I think the hump of getting back into blogging was the fact that I've missed putting so much on the blog it felt overwhelming. But oh well, that's just some tid bits I need recorded for my own piece of mind!

Easter- The Great Rescue

This year, the Gospel has been resonating loudly in my life, transforming my view of Jesus, my relationship with him, my relationships with others, my view of my sin, and my view of grace. We don't have the Gospel without Easter, and therefore, what better reason to celebrate.

As J.G. Machen said, "Jesus died- that's history. Jesus died for our sins- that's doctrine. Without these two elements there is no Christianity." My personal desire is to see our family joyfully and triumphantly celebrate Easter in a way that surpasses even Christmas and Jesus' birth- because without Easter, Christmas has no meaning.

If Christ is culture, let the sidewalks be lit with fire on Easter Eve, let traffic stop for a column of Christians waving palm branches on a spring morning, let streets be blocked off as the faithful gather for a Corpus Christi procession. Then will others know that there is another city in their midst, another commonwealth, one that has its face, like the face of angels, turned toward the face of God. - Robert Louis Wilken, First Things.

This year, we gathered next to friends at church to celebrate our risen Jesus. We raised our hands in praise of the One who has set us free, who has rescued us, who has used our greatest failures and greatest successes to glorify Himself, not to define us. Now that is a God I want to worship.

You see, Easter is the story of the Great Rescue.

Easter is a celebration of freedom for those who have become Christians. A celebration of being free from sin and free from the mess of ourselves. Free from the burden of trying or wanting to be good on our own. Free from the stress to be seen as worthy enough, as good enough. In our proud human nature, we want to have some part in our goodness, some part in our righteousness before God. Many Christians even wrongly view the Bible and its commands as a list of rules that tell you how to "be better" how to become "more good." But the truth is, we simply cannot be good on our own and God did not give us the law (rules) to make us good. It can't make us good. Anyone who has kept trying harder has found that they keep failing. That's because the law is not supposed to make us good. The law is given so that we will be crushed by it and see our need for a Savior (Jesus). "The law won't make us good. It will make us despair of ever being good enough, and in that way it will make us open to the love, sacrifice, and welcome of our Savior, Jesus Christ," (Give Them Grace, Elyse Fitzpatrick).

This does not mean we do not obey God and we do not seek His commands. God commands obedience. But we cannot heed His commands without completing the picture by including GRACE...by reminding ourselves again of the beautiful story of how Jesus kept the law PERFECTLY for us. And, if we are true Christians, if we have a relationship with Jesus, his record of perfection gets transfered to us.

Why is this good news? Why is this story of Easter the turning point of Christianity? Because Jesus keeping God's law perfectly is the basis for my entire being and life. Because of it, I am free. When I fail, when I sin, when I turn my back on what God asks of me, I can thank God that my relationship with Him isn't based on my obedience, but on Jesus' obedience. Even my sin and failures is an occasion to remind me that my Savior, Jesus, is praying for me, and that my sin won't ever separate me from Him, or His love for me. He continues to smile at me because I am His beloved child, with whom He is well pleased. I am continually assured that I am finally and fully good because of what JESUS has done.

Putting my faith in the goodness of another (Jesus) is my rescue story. It's my story of freedom. And my story would not be possible without Easter. So in light of this great rescue story, we celebrated! We did an Easter tree, we read stories about Jesus' walk to the cross, we did some crafts to have fun with what we were learning, we had a special Easter morning breakfast, we dressed up in some new clothes, and even took part in some cultural activities for fun, such as an Easter basket and an egg hunt.

Daddy reading the devotions during our Easter tree activities for Holy Week.

 Completed Easter tree

Our resurrection play-set made out of toilet paper rolls. Mekonen lasted about 3 minutes scribbling and then just wanted to use the glue stick, so Mommy had to finish the coloring! 

 Ready for Easter breakfast!

I love Evie yawning in the background. It was an early Easter morning! 

After church we spent the day with Jon's parents: Boppy and Grandma Magz

Easter baskets! I looove how Evie is holding up her egg. Too funny.

 Evie picked up real quickly on all the candy and kept swiping it by the handfuls! 

 Evie isn't quite steady enough walking to carry a basket and collect eggs, so Grandpa put her basket in a rolling plastic bin. It was hilarious. She pushed that thing around collecting her eggs. It was so cute! 

 Mekonen showcasing his basket from the Easter egg hunt.

 hehe.

 Checkin' out his goodies!

Easter is a triumphant celebration of the reason we can have a relationship with Jesus...his death and resurrection. My pursuit in our family is to give Easter its proper place in our life, not just another holiday. For without it, our story means nothing. I want to give my children a God they long to follow, a God that captivates their hearts and minds, and a God that they see and know as being as awe-inspiring as He truly is. Now that's a reason to celebrate.