Every day I have butterflies in my stomach! (Maybe this is why I feel continuously nauseous! And no, I'm not pregnant). Some of these butterflies are flying around with great excitement and bubbling joy, and others are flying around with some anxiety and fear. I picture what it will be like to hear the words in 1 week and 6 days, "You passed!" and I can't even contain my excitement. It brings tears to my eyes thinking of those words and the fact that they mean we can go get our precious babe!
I have been thinking A LOT about the realization that we may not pass court the first time and the thing that continually comes to mind is God's Goodness. I remember being in college when I first really understood God's Goodness. I realized that when I struggled with believing that God is Good ALL the time was when I was determining what was Good. A professor of mine, Dr. Baumann, really made this stand out to me. He's super smart and I can't even come close to describing it the way he did, so I won't even try. But, he talked a lot about who or what defines Goodness. God is all-knowing, creator of all things, and He is the one who determines what is Good, even when we don't understand. If God doesn't define Goodness, then we are saying something is above God, i.e. Goodness. He loves us and Mekonen more than we ever could dream and wants only what is good and best for us.
In my view of Goodness, which I sometimes falsely believe IS Goodness, we should pass court on the first time, have no trouble traveling or anything, and have Mekonen in our arms, being welcomed by our family at the airport this July.
However, that may not be what God sees as Goodness. I know from the Bible that God works ALL things out for the good, according to His purpose and plan (Romans 8:28). God's Goodness is what is GOOD for us, or to the benefit of others in our lives. It could be that we don't pass court the first time so that God can accomplish His purpose: helping people see God's greatness and the faith that we have in His plan for our lives. Or, maybe His Goodness and those purposes will be displayed better by us passing the first time! Whatever God sees as best, will be accomplished. Even when it doesn't feel good to me, I need to keep reminding myself it IS Good.
While getting ready for class today, I even allowed myself to think of what I would do and how I would react, how I would survive, if God took Mekonen from this earth before we could get to him or anytime after for that matter. This has happened to a few of our friends while waiting to bring their babies home from Ethiopia. Normally, I avoid all thoughts of death and extreme sorrow as much as possible because it scares me so much. But this morning, I was overcome with a bit of anxiety and deep sadness even at the mere thought of such a tragedy and I kept saying to myself, "I belong to Jesus. In the end, Jesus will defeat every bit of death and sadness. All that happens in this life is for my GOOD, pointing to the day when ALL that is wrong in the world will be made RIGHT, and GOOD, and WONDERFUL, when Jesus comes back to claim His own. I just keep reminding myself, in my fleshly misconceptions, that God IS Good ALL the time.
Without Jesus in my life, this makes no sense. Even re-reading it, I can see how people might think I am incredibly crazy. But Jesus has changed it all.