Growing & Letting Go

Evie is spending her first full night in her own crib, in her nursery, by herself. I didn't think it would feel like this. I know, I know, I sound like one of those ridiculous moms. Ever since her first day she has been sleeping right next to the bed, in her own little bassinet. She's already 3 months old and when she is completely stretched out she is almost too big for the bassinet. I just didn't think it would feel this way. I have a panicky feeling- all these thoughts go through my mind such as, but she's so small, her room is "so far away," she can't call for me, what if something is wrong, she doesn't cry, and I don't hear her?" I have a pit of my stomach feeling, and I don't like it. It means my baby is growing up, and too fast at that. Already when I hold her anymore she wants to be upright, looking out over my shoulder or facing forward and seeing everything that is happening. Unless she is sleeping she doesn't nestle into that newborn laying down position in my arms anymore. She is starting to make baby noises and is so close to giggling, like the real giggles. I look forward to these "big girl" moments, but am sad to be missing those itty bitty newborn days.

There are two very specific memories I will never forget that I think of in times like this when I'm sad to see her "getting big." I remember when I first laid eyes on her, the first thing I noticed was her lips. I'm obsessed with them. They are my favorite feature on her. They are the sweetest and cutest things ever... that high peak top lip....oooooh I love it. This is what is etched in my memory...

The other thing I remember is the first time I really held her up to my face, felt her lips on my face. She knew exactly who I was. I could feel it. I could sense it. I will remember that feeling for the rest of my life.

I love this baby girl.

So tonight, I have to let her go, let her grow up a little more, be a "big girl" and sleep in her nursery, so her Daddy and I can have our room back. But I miss her and it's really only been a few minutes that she's been in there. She has slept in her nursery for all her naps since the beginning, but at night she has been in her bassinet with us. I feel sad that I am going to wake up in the morning and not roll over and peek into the bassinet to see her cute little self staring up at the ceiling fan, trying to eat her fist or her blanket, kicking her little feet in the air. I think back to those first days and weeks home when she looked so small and fragile in that bassinet, and now she's all meaty and "chunky." How it was all so new and exciting and how really, I never did mind getting up to feed her, even though I wanted to keel over from being so tired. How I would swaddle her up in her halo sack, and how it only took her a week or two to stop liking that. I would reach into the bassinet and pick her up by the front of her sleep sack, wound up so tightly she wouldn't even budge. Too cute. I know I need to make this move now because I'm becoming more emotional about it every day that I think about it, and we are not co-sleeping, bedroom sharing parents. (I have no problem with those who are, but it's not for us). So far, I'm not crying over it, and I don't really want to get to that... besides, Jon might kill me then. Haha.

With all that going on with Miss Evie, another pit of my stomach feeling starts making its appearance, but one that truthfully, I am not strong enough tonight to dive into, not strong enough today to let myself feel it, or wade through the feelings it brings... that deep ache in my heart that longs to have known my son for those first 8 months of his precious life. To know, feel, see, and experience the depths of his little being in his earliest days. Those feelings, that pit of my stomach feeling is in a place in my heart that I have sealed to an extent. Some days, I let myself go there, but today it is too much. I have never experienced something so strong and so powerful as the love I have for this son and daughter of mine. Oh how I am blessed.

I know I sound crazy, and I'm okay with that. I love this experience of building our family, building our story, of leaving a legacy. I long to soak in every moment, every feeling, every experience. And truthfully, I can't wait to experience all the itty bitty baby firsts again, and also really look forward to all those  "growing big" firsts that seem to come by the day... with both of my growing babes.

So goodnight Miss Evie Rae, sleep tight in your big girl nursery. Mommy misses you already, although as soon as I hit post, I'm walking down the "long" hallway to check on you.

And goodnight Mekonen Jack! I wonder if you know how many times I check on you and kiss your cheeks over and over while you sleep, and how sometimes, I crawl into your bed and snuggle you while you sleep for just a few minutes.

Mmm. I love you my little ones.

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